There are moments when we realise that someone we love is physically in the room, but their mind is somewhere else entirely. They sit at the table, eyes fixed on a screen, and when we speak, the reply comes late and hollow, like an echo from a distance. That moment hurts. And yet it carries an important message, if we are willing to hear it.
The screen as a hiding place
Card games, solitaire, puzzles, slots. On the surface, a harmless way to pass the time. But for many people, especially older ones, repeated gaming becomes a way to escape feelings that are too heavy to face directly. Loneliness. Fear of ageing. The sense that the world is moving on without them. A game offers instant reward, clear rules, and no uncomfortable questions. That is understandable. People find relief where they can.
What is quietly beautiful about this realisation is that it gives us power. We stop feeling rejected and start seeing a person who may simply be trying to survive their own inner restlessness.
What hides behind screen dependency
When someone spends hours at computer games, it is rarely about the game itself. It may be boredom, but it may also be unnamed grief. A way to fill a silence that would otherwise feel too loud. Older people who have lost a partner, close friends, or a meaningful role in the world are especially vulnerable to these escapes. The screen gives them a sense of control at a time when so much feels out of their hands.
If we see this in someone we love, the first step is not confrontation. It is curiosity. Gentle, genuine curiosity about how that person is really feeling.
How to draw closer without pressure
Direct criticism rarely helps. Phrases like 'You are always on that thing' or 'What a waste of time' trigger defensiveness, not openness. Instead, try offering a concrete moment of presence. Invite them for a walk, not to pull them away from the screen, but because you want to be outside together. Make tea side by side. Bring out old photographs and talk about them.
Presence is the most powerful medicine. Not a lecture, but a shared moment. Time spent together, without agenda and without judgement.
Small rituals that build a bridge
- Regular calls or visits at the same time each week give someone the feeling that they are expected and thought of.
- Cooking or baking together engages the hands and the mind, and naturally draws attention away from the screen.
- A walk in nature, even a short one, activates the senses in a way no game can replicate.
- Asking about stories from the past is one of the most beautiful gifts we can give an older person. Everyone wants to be heard.
And what about ourselves?
It is worth pausing and asking honestly: how present are we when we are with others? How many times have we reached for our phone mid-conversation? The screen is not only someone else's problem. It is a challenge we all face, at every age.
Presence is a muscle. It grows stronger with practice. Every moment we put down the phone and look someone in the eyes is a small act of training. And every such moment counts.
Kindness as the first step
If someone in your life has retreated behind a screen, do not begin with criticism. Begin with kindness. Write a letter by hand. Bring their favourite food. Suggest an activity they once loved. Do not expect a miracle straight away. Relationships are built slowly, like a garden that needs regular tending, not a single burst of effort.
And if it feels as though your loved one is truly suffering, that behind it all lies deep loneliness or anxiety, it is perfectly fine to gently suggest speaking with someone they trust. A therapist, a doctor, a pastoral counsellor. Helping someone accept help is sometimes the hardest and most loving step of all.
